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I love spring. 

Something changes in the air – at the beginning of spring the change is very subtle, especially in Canada, where the start of spring is often marked by winter resisting the change in season and stubbornly refusing to leave. Yet the days are getting longer, there is hope in the air and there is the promise of warmer days to come. 

The earth is ripe with potential in the spring, even if the ground appears to be covered with snow at the moment. Soon it will begin to whisper and tiny hints of green will begin to appear amid the bareness of winter. Once the first shoots come out, the growth will be rapid. Each morning presenting a new display of the glory of nature and the lessons we can learn from it. 

Spring is the perfect time for personal growth and renewal as well. As nature wakes up, lets wake up ourselves up as well and reflect on what potential is lying dormant within us, waiting for the tiniest bit of encouragement to begin to unfold and grow as...

Both happy and unhappy marriages have one thing in common: there are times when things are not going so well.

During such a period, there is a major choice point for you. According to research by Dr. Gottman and others (of 40,000+ couples), how you think and what you do during this time will determine the future of your relationship: 

The betrayal choice: 
When things go badly 

• Don’t voice complaints to partner
• Instead:
• Keep them in the dark about how you are feeling
• Trash partner to others
• Make negative comparisons –

• Nurture resentment for what is missing rather than what is present
• According to research by Rusbult: negative comparisons are the

The commitment choice: 
When things don’t go well, 

• Voice complaints to partner & work it out
• Cherish partner and recognize the investment that you both have in the relationship
• Nurture gratitude for what you have...

I know that we have been talking about affair-proofing our relationships. But what if your worst nightmare has already come to pass? What if you are in the midst of the catastrophic discovery that your marriage has been shaken to its core because of an affair?

The first question that couples going through this trauma ask is: Can our marriage be saved? Can we rebuild trust to the point where we can live with each other again?

I will not lie to you: affairs destroy marriages (not to mention the sense of self of those who are betrayed). And that is why we have been talking about prevention. 

It’s far far better and much much easier to address these issues before a storm hits. Talking about what draws us outside our boundaries, in an atmosphere of trust, can actually foster intimacy and commitment. But for many couples, unfortunately, the crisis of an affair is the first time they talk about any of what we have been discussing. 

Catastrophe, explains Esther Perel, has a way...

As we wrap up the discussion on infidelity, let’s do a quick review on how best to protect our relationships:

• Given how easy it is to become emotionally attached, we need to invest our attention wisely
• When we feed a friendship inappropriately, we are starving our marriage
• We need to become aware of the myths and realities around marital infidelity
• We need to recognize and evaluate the risk of infidelity and become intentional in setting boundaries in our marriage
• There are four kinds of marriage which are particularly susceptible to infidelity and we can take steps to avoid our relationships being

• We need to understand the difference between privacy and secrecy to make sure that we not keeping secrets from our spouse which will lead to an erosion of trust
• We need to...

Esther Perel is a world-renowned authority on committed relationships and on infidelity in those committed relationships. 

In her ground-breaking new book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, she provides new insight into why people cheat. 

I found this book extremely useful in working with people reeling from the devastation of affairs because of one very important insight.

It is common for the betrayed spouse to lose their confidence, their sense of identity and undergo signs of emotional trauma when they discover that the person whom they trusted most in the world has betrayed them. It is common for these spouses (especially women) to question themselves and what they could have done to prevent the affair from taking place. 

This book explains that affairs have little or nothing to do with the marriage or the betrayed spouse and everything to do with the spouse who has been unfaithful. 

She explains that people have affairs as a form of...

For some of us, this discussion about infidelity in marriage has been a difficult subject to explore. And others may feel that it is irrelevant because it is not something that they will likely deal with. 

Given the temptations that we have been discussing, and the ease with which friends can cross boundaries into becoming "Not Just Friends", it is wise to be aware of the risk and be proactive and intentional in protecting our families. 

Just before we wrap up the discussion, let's consider some myths about affairs that Shirley Glass shatters in her book Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity 

Have you heard of the 36 questions that lead to love?

When we are going through a period of "drought" in our relationships, it can feel sad and hopeless. The spark feels like it is just not there. Where there was tenderness and love, there is now distance and hurt.

When a relationship is in this stage, can it be saved? Can you rekindle the feelings that were once there?

Experts like Dr. Gottman believe that an easy and reliable way to stay in love or fall in love again is to maintain or rekindle the marital friendship. When you talk and act like friends, you know each other and you like each other. In other words, to know someone is to love them. 

Dr. Gottman’s term for getting to know your partner’s world is called Building Love Maps. 

One way to think of it is this: When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your...

As we have been saying, a healthy and loving relationship between spouses has large, open windows of communication. 

Sometimes, however, these windows can become clouded. Even the best relationships have times when communication is not great, there is unexpressed hurt or withholding of thought and feeling. If left alone, the windows will not clean themselves. In fact, they are likely to get more clouded over time.

When we build walls or opaque windows around ourselves to ward off hurt and disappointment, it also prevents us from feeling the joy, love and intimacy on the other side. 

To live in safe disconnection is like having cloudy windows - the light of love cannot get through. 

So how do we clean the windows of communication between ourselves and our loved ones?

It is quite simple really. 

Share your internal world, your thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. 

Being open, honest and vulnerable is like cleaning your windows with water and vinegar. 

It is okay...

We have been talking about protecting our relationships by knowing and recognizing the difference between friendships and marriage so that we can keep our commitments strong.

Hopefully you have recognized how easy it is, especially in modern times, to slide into the danger zone of infidelity and why we need to be mindful of the boundaries in our marriage.