The myths around infidelity (DW#367)
For some of us, this discussion about infidelity in marriage has been a difficult subject to explore. And others may feel that it is irrelevant because it is not something that they will likely deal with.
Given the temptations that we have been discussing, and the ease with which friends can cross boundaries into becoming "Not Just Friends", it is wise to be aware of the risk and be proactive and intentional in protecting our families.
Just before we wrap up the discussion, let's consider some myths about affairs that Shirley Glass shatters in her book Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
· Myth: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.
Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.
· Myth: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.
Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.
· Myth: A cheating partner almost always leaves clues, so a naïve spouse must be burying his or her head in the sand.
Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partners never find out.
· Myth: A person having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.
Fact: The excitement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting. Or they may completely lose interest in sex. Both are possible.
· Myth: The person having an affair isn’t getting enough at home.
Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is more at risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested in the relationship. Often when people are having affairs, they stop investing time and effort at home and so they are "giving too little" and are therefore less invested.
· Myth: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.
Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely he or she will be alternately critical and devoted. Critical because it is easy to find fault when your attention is elsewhere and devoted because of the guilt that they are carrying.
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