What if the worst happens? (DW#370)
I know that we have been talking about affair-proofing our relationships. But what if your worst nightmare has already come to pass? What if you are in the midst of the catastrophic discovery that your marriage has been shaken to its core because of an affair?
The first question that couples going through this trauma ask is: Can our marriage be saved? Can we rebuild trust to the point where we can live with each other again?
I will not lie to you: affairs destroy marriages (not to mention the sense of self of those who are betrayed). And that is why we have been talking about prevention.
It’s far far better and much much easier to address these issues before a storm hits. Talking about what draws us outside our boundaries, in an atmosphere of trust, can actually foster intimacy and commitment. But for many couples, unfortunately, the crisis of an affair is the first time they talk about any of what we have been discussing.
Catastrophe, explains Esther Perel, has a way of propelling us into the essence of things. In the wake of devastating betrayals, many couples share that they are having some of the deepest, most honest conversations of their entire relationship. They are talking about their deepest hurts and desires, unfulfilled expectations, unspoken resentments, and unmet longings.
When this happens, an affair can be a wakeup call. It is the end of the marriage as you knew it - for sure.
And with help, commitment, courage and patience you can build another marriage. With the same spouse.
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