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Always do your best(DW #813)

family self compassion self development Oct 07, 2020

Do you have good days and bad days? Days when it is easy to live up to your ideal self and other days it is a struggle?
Yes? Me too.

This is normal.

If we remove the idea of perfection from the equation, we will become more comfortable with the idea that doing our best will change from day to day.
There will be days when we have slept well, had a good morning and are easily able to be our best selves. Being patient with our families and able to focus on work and be productive.
And other days, not so much.

We may be tired, hungry, "hangry", have "woken up from the wrong side of the bed", are overwhelmed with work or family dramas. Our best on days like this will not be as stellar as an easy day.
We can still do our best, taking into account everything that is going on in our lives.

This kind of thinking is so freeing. Please try it for yourself.
If you are struggling during the pandemic to be as patient or productive as you would like to be, it will be a great time to practice...

The discomfort of self-awareness(DW #811)

positive thinking self awareness self development selfgrowth Oct 05, 2020

Self-awareness, as we have mentioned before, is the first step on the journey of self-growth. We cannot really deal with something we are not even aware of.

Here is how Don Miguel Ruiz puts it in The Four Agreements: "The first step toward personal freedom is awareness. We need to be aware that we are not free in order to be free. We need to be aware of what the problem is in order to solve the problem."

Self-awareness, however, is not a comfortable feeling, ESPECIALLY before we have had a chance to address and change what we have become aware of.

When we first become aware of our shortcomings, we can begin to feel despondent and hopeless. We may feel impatient with ourselves and wonder why we have still so much work to do on ourselves.

At times like this, we need to remind ourselves to

"Encourage yourself by remembering that any detection of negativity within you is a positive act, not a negative one.Awareness of your weakness and confusion makes...

The journey and the destination(DW #809)

growing self development selfgrowth Oct 01, 2020

Today let us further emphasise the point that self-growth is a journey rather than a destination. It is a journey that ends at the same time as our time on this planet.

Some of us may be thinking: "But, that’s such a very long time. Surely, I will get to a stage where I have figured it out and will not have to keep trying so hard."

As our children would say: LOLZ (translation: its funny that you think that because no that will not happen)

We will (inshallah) have many enlightened moments, times when we are proud of the way we behaved in a particular situation and are pleased with how far we have come.

And we will also have times when we think that we have not progressed at all.

In other words, there will never be a time when we don’t have to do the work, to keep practicing our virtues and living our values. And keep coming back to them when we veer off track.

If we are serious about living our best selves and actualizing our...

The pursuit and the practice(DW #808)

growing ihsan self development Sep 30, 2020

The quest and the pursuit of living our full potential can easily be misunderstood as chasing an ideal, chasing perfection, as trying to reach a distant shore.

There is a big problem with this: perfection is not a possibility for human beings. Perfection only belongs to the Creator, not to creation. No matter how hard we try, we will N.E.V.E.R achieve perfection. No matter how enlightened or self aware we become, we will have bad days. There will be days when we will "burn our bagels", say things we regret and not do things that we know are good for us.

If we set our sights on the distant shores of perfection, we are setting ourselves up for failure. If we consider self development as a project, we will not get there.

What is achievable by human beings, is the practice of excellence, of living with virtue right now, of doing our best IN THIS MOMENT.

This is all that is possible, all that we have, and that is enough.

So think...

Our purpose on this planet(DW #807)

positivity purpose self development wellbeing Sep 29, 2020

After the "The Big Three in Greek Philosophy", Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, Stoicism became one of the most influential philosophies of the Roman world and has continued to influence many of history’s greatest minds.

The Stoic philosophers (so called because Zeno, the founder of the Stoic school used to teach under a column or "stoa" around 300 BC) believed that the central work of human beings was to live up to their true selves.

Here’s how Seneca, one of the main Stoics, puts it:

"Man’s ideal state is realized when he has fulfilled the purpose for which he is born. And what is it that reason demands of him? Something very easy—that he live in accordance with his own nature."

Marcus Aurelius, another Stoic Philosopher (and Roman Emperor a hundred years after Nero), said something very similar in his classic Meditations: "Everything - a horse, a vine - is created for some duty... For what task, then, were you yourself...

Elements of a good apology(DW# 799)

positive thinking relationships self development Jul 16, 2020

Now that we have a good understanding of why apologies matter so much and how easily they can go wrong, let us explore what a good apology sounds like.

Researchers at various universities have found that the most compelling apologies include some or all of these elements:

§ An expression of regret

§ A statement of empathy for the pain caused

§ An explanation of what happened (not as an excuse!)

§ An acknowledgment of responsibility

§ A declaration of repentance

§ An offer of repair

§ A request for forgiveness

Their results suggest that if you’ve really messed up, you’ll do best if you use as many of these components as possible in your apology. However, the studies clearly showed that some of these components were much more important than others.

The researchers found that the single most important part of an apology is an...

A gift to the relationship(DW# 798)

compassion relationships self development Jul 15, 2020

Relationships experts all agree on one thing: that no matter how evolved we are; we will mess up. Happy relationships are not those devoid of conflict, disagreement or hurt feelings. Even with the best of intentions, we will sometimes fail to live up to our best selves. There will be times that we are tired, stressed and will do and say things that we regret and things that hurt our loved ones.

The secret weapon of happy relationships then is not that these things do not happen. It is that people in happy relationships are really good at repairing when they make mistakes. Instead of being defensive, they are humble and recognize that they messed up. They own their mistakes, validate the hurt of their loved ones and learn to apologize effectively.

And so, a good apology is a gift to the relationship:

Two people can feel secure in the knowledge that if they behave badly, even fight terribly, they can repair the disconnection. We strengthen our relationships...

Is it enough to ask forgiveness from God?(DW# 770 )

relationships self development wellbeing Jun 05, 2020

As we have been discussing, it is hard to acknowledge that we messed up, were wrong and have hurt someone.

Sometimes, even after we secretly recognize that what we did was not acceptable, we find it hard to acknowledge this in front of the person we have hurt. We may try to convince ourselves that it will be enough if we repent in front of God and ask for forgiveness.

After all, it is so much easier asking forgiveness from God, isn’t it? We do not have to confront any of the uncomfortable feelings that will surely surface if we are dealing with another (imperfect) human being who may or may not respond with graciousness and forgiveness.

But here is the thing: if we have wronged or hurt another human being, God will forgive only once we try to make amends with that person. And while our salvation may not depend on whether the other person forgives us, it will surely be impacted by the fact that we tried to make amends with them?

According to Islamic...

Self esteem and responsibility(DW# 769)

relationships self development wellbeing Jun 04, 2020

Harriet Lerner inWhy Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts explains how low self-worth stands in the way of taking responsibility and apologizing.

Refusing to apologize often reflects efforts to protect a fragile sense of self, she says. According to Lerner, refusing to apologize is fundamentally a sign of insecurity.

"In order to offer a heartfelt apology, a person needs to have a solid platform of self-worth to stand on," she says. "From this higher vantage point, the person can look out at their bad behavior, and they can apologize because they’re able to see their mistakes as part of a much larger, complex, ever-changing picture of who they are as a human being."

Or, as she poignantly puts it, "A non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem."

Powerful words, right?

When we recognize defensiveness in ourselves, it may help to remember that a powerful way to increase self-esteem and...

Fear of humiliation, weakness and loss of control(DW# 768 )

relationships self development wellbeing Jun 03, 2020

Depending on how making mistakes, making amends and apologies were handled in our families when we were growing up, we adopt all sorts of beliefs around apologies and some of them may be rather unhealthy.

Part of maturing and growing as human beings involves taking stock of our dysfunctional beliefs, thought patterns and actions, evaluating their impact and choosing our own path forward.

So let us see if we may be unconsciously harbouring some of these beliefs which stand in the way of taking responsibility for our actions.

If we have a history of being harshly criticized by parents or other important people while growing up, we may find the idea of apologizing humiliating and as a coping mechanism, we may avoid admitting mistakes because of the horrible feelings and memories that apologizing brings up.

Sometimes, these memories are so traumatic that we end up insisting that we have done nothing wrong (or refuse to admit we have done something despite evidence to the contrary).

...

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