Fear of humiliation, weakness and loss of control(DW# 768 )
Jun 03, 2020
Depending on how making mistakes, making amends and apologies were handled in our families when we were growing up, we adopt all sorts of beliefs around apologies and some of them may be rather unhealthy.
Part of maturing and growing as human beings involves taking stock of our dysfunctional beliefs, thought patterns and actions, evaluating their impact and choosing our own path forward.
So let us see if we may be unconsciously harbouring some of these beliefs which stand in the way of taking responsibility for our actions.
If we have a history of being harshly criticized by parents or other important people while growing up, we may find the idea of apologizing humiliating and as a coping mechanism, we may avoid admitting mistakes because of the horrible feelings and memories that apologizing brings up.
Sometimes, these memories are so traumatic that we end up insisting that we have done nothing wrong (or refuse to admit we have done something despite evidence to the contrary).
Our (faulty) logic goes something like this: If I don't admit that I have done anything wrong, then it's almost like not doing anything wrong at all. And since I have not done anything wrong, there is no need to take responsibility. And so we convince ourselves that there is nothing to apologize for.
Or we may have grown up to believe that initiating an apology is a sign of weakness. We may believe that admitting that we are wrong will make us lose our power and status and make us appear weak.
We therefore equate apologies with being the "loser" and the person receiving the apology as the "winner." Since no one likes losing, having this belief will most likely stand in the way of taking responsibility for our actions and apologizing. (Of course with such an attitude towards apologies, our relationship will definitely be the loser . . .)
We therefore equate apologies with being the "loser" and the person receiving the apology as the "winner." Since no one likes losing, having this belief will most likely stand in the way of taking responsibility for our actions and apologizing. (Of course with such an attitude towards apologies, our relationship will definitely be the loser . . .)
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