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This week we are continuing exploring leadership coaching questions from The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier.
 
I don't know about you, but I sometimes get stressed when I am trying to help someone. I may begin to feel like I am trying harder to come up with solutions than they are. I find myself trying to figure out in my head what they need most at this time. It can be very tiring when we feel that we are working harder than the person whose problem it is.
 
Well, Stanier has a simple solution to this kind of overwhelm. He calls it the Lazy Question: "How can I help"?
 
What is so brilliant about the lazy question is that it forces the one with the problem or issue to make a direct and clear request. It helps the person who is asking for support to get clear on exactly what they are asking.
 
Secondly, it stops us from thinking that we already know how best to help the other and stops us "from leaping into action" and trying to rescue someone when they are...

Have you ever found a brilliant solution to a problem that did not fix the problem because you realised that what you solved was the wrong problem!

This happens all the time in relationship consulting. Couples will often come with a list of complaints that seem easy to solve. When issues are resolved, they realise that it was not the real issue. 

It takes some experience and training to figure on that it is more helpful to focus on the real problem, not the first problem.

In The Coaching Habit, Stanier suggests that a simple and effective way to get to the real problem is to ask: "What's the real challenge here for you?"
 
The question as is it written pins the question to the person you are talking to rather than having abstract discussions about what the issue is. It brilliantly focuses on how the issue is impacting the person who is looking for a solution.
 
I find that this is also a great question to ask myself when I am struggling with an issue. It truly is "The...

The next question that Stanier talks about in The Coaching Habit is even simpler than the first.

It is the AWE question: And what else?

"With seemingly no effort", he explains, these three little words "create more – more wisdom, more insights, more self awareness, more possibilities out of thin air."

Asking this question a few times, allows the real issues to rise to the surface so that you are working at a level that will make a difference. He suggests that you ask it one more time than you think you need to! The question allows more options to surface which lead to better decisions and solutions.

And What Else? The quickest and easiest way to create new possibilities. Try it.

Stanier in The Coaching Habit writes that "Coaching for development is about turning the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue, the person who's managing the fire."
 
Such a useful concept! What this means is that as leaders our job is not to know how to solve all problems. It is not even realistic to be able to solve all problems, is it? The person who is asking the question often is closer to the situation and has more information about the issue than we do.

(As an example, think of your 6th grader who is dealing with a math problem. He has attended the class recently and heard the teacher's instructions. Who knows more about the situation – him or you who has not attended a math class in several decades?)

So our job as a leader may be simply to help people uncover the answer that they already have within themselves.

This process is so much simpler than trying to solve or pretend to know the solution to every problem that others are having. So when you...

The next question on our quest for self discovery is an easy one: who matters most in your life? Which 3-5 relationships are the most important ones to you?

The follow up questions to this one are a little less easy to answer: do these people know that they matter to you? How do they know? What do you do to demonstrate or express how important they are?

How do you nurture these relationships?

The second question we will explore in our quest for self awareness and growth is this: What are my core values?

Values are a part of us. They highlight what we stand for. Values guide our behavior, providing us with a personal code of conduct.

When we honor our personal core values consistently, and live in alignment with them, we experience fulfillment in our lives.

Similarly, if we are not living in integrity with our core values or when we dishonor them, we experience guilt, remorse and anger. (In fact, when we are angry at someone else, it is often because one or more of our core values has been injured – think about this one)

Other ways to ask this question and get in touch with our core values are: What is the most important thing about me as a person? What do I stand for? What are the qualities that I would like to be known for?

It is important to remember that we cannot select values that we would like or believe that we 'should' have. It is a process of discovery and...

The first question for personal reflection that we will explore in this series is: What is your iki gai?

Ikigai (pronounced [ikiɡai]) is a Japanese concept which means "a reason for being." Everyone, according to Japanese culture, has an ikigai. The Japanese believe that finding one's ikigai requires a deep and often lengthy search of self.

There is a reason why we need to pay attention to the concept of ikigai. The people of Okinawa in Japan are the longest living people on the earth today. They live an average of 7 healthy years longer than Americans and have the most people over 100, partly because they believe that everyone has an ikigai which gives meaning and purpose to their lives.

So strong is this belief that they do not have the concept (or even a word for) retirement in their language. Work that adds meaning and purpose to life is not something that the Japanese stop doing when they reach a certain age.

But an ikigai does not have to be purely work related.

For example,...

One of the most effective paths towards self growth and spiritual maturity is a consistent practice of self reflection.

Self reflection involves asking meaningful questions of ourselves and allowing the answers to emerge in their own time. It is not about easy answers or quick solutions.

In fact, when you are asking important questions, resist the temptation to accept the first answer that presents itself.

It is often more effective to let the questions "simmer" for a while. Asking the question is far more important than answering it quickly.

This can be quite challenging for some of us who NEED answers right NOW.
When we notice ourselves becoming impatient and wanting answers, it is helpful to ask the same question at least a few more times. "And what else" is a helpful prompt when you are working through a particular question.

You may find that it takes a little time for the conscious mind to settle and the answers that bubble up after a few times of asking the same question are...

Sometimes we think that in order to become wiser, we need to have the right answers. But right answers to wrong questions are not very useful, are they?

"The key to wisdom", as John Simone said, "is knowing all the right questions."

Questions are powerful tools. They can point to possibilities, encourage self reflection and growth, ignite hope and lead to new insights. They can also confuse issues, destroy hope and keep us stuck in bad assumptions.

Imagine that you are looking at a new project – either work related or personal goals related.

Consider the difference between these questions relating to the project or goal:

Question 1: Can I?
Question 2: How can I?

"At first glance, the questions Can I? and How can I? may appear to be very similar", writes John Maxwell in his book, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth: Live Them and Reach Your Potential. "The reality is that they are worlds apart in terms of results. Can I? is a question filled with hesitation and doubt. It is a...

Much too often, we do not speak our truth, express how we really feel or ask for what we need for many (not very good) reasons. These reasons can include self-protection, fear of upsetting the other, keeping the peace etc.

Much too often we forget that relationships can better survive our truth than the resentment borne from not speaking up. It is in fact, emotional disengagement that destroys relationships rather than the feared conflict from a spoken truth.

Ware found that not expressing feelings had an additional cost. She found that not expressing their true feelings was something many people regretted at the end of their life. "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others", she writes. "As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

Once we start practicing expressing our true feelings, we begin...