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Surround yourself with people who believe in you(DW# 792)

communication emotions relationships wellbeing Jul 07, 2020

Being the victim of emotional abuse such as gaslighting takes a toll on your sense of self.

The feeling of shame, isolation and sadness can be overwhelming and it can be tempting to hide out and to retreat from others.

It is of course helpful to give yourself the time and space to feel your emotions and to do healing work on your own. You can help yourself regain perspective by reminding yourself of times in your life when you have felt capable, grounded, sane, and generally good about yourself.

It is also a good idea to set a limit on your isolation and retreat, however, and to reach out to others who may ease the journey of healing.

Friends and other relationships who ease the journey of healing are lifelines which we need to cultivate. When we are at the lowest point, when we lack confidence and strength, it is very important to surround ourselves with friends who believe in us, encourage us and remind us of our strengths...

Practice self-compassion(DW# 791)

communication emotions relationships wellbeing Jul 06, 2020

We have been discussing ways to cope and to resource yourself when you are the target of emotional abuse such as gaslighting.

For women, who tend to the target of such abuse, it is easy to slip into questioning one’s judgement even more and being hard on yourself for falling for this behaviour. While this is tempting, please know that it will do nothing except make you feel worse. It will NOT help you cope any better, do better or feel better in this situation.

What will work to build your resources is the practice of self-compassion.

At times like this, it is really important to practice being kind to yourself and to remind yourself of your humanity, of how you "fell for this" because of your love and trust, both of which are positive feelings which are important aspects of wellbeing.

The practice of self-compassion is a widely researched tool in mental and emotional wellbeing. Let us briefly remind ourselves about the three key aspects of self-compassion....

Find a way to validate your reality(DW# 790)

communication distortion emotions relationships wellbeing Jul 03, 2020

With someone trying to mess with your sense of reality, it can feel very isolating. When you begin to question your own perceptions, it can be difficult to reach out to others for fear of appearing crazy. But you will need to up your game of self-care and building resources for yourself in order to maintain your mental and emotional wellbeing. You will need to find ways to validate your reality and to sort out truth from distortion.

Here are two suggestions:

The first is journaling.

Write down your conversations with the gaslighter in a journal so you can take an objective look at it. Where is the conversation veering off from reality into the other person’s view? Can you see patterns of responses when you bring up any area of conflict or question their behaviour? Do you recognize any phrases or statements that they consistently use from the ones we have discussed?

The second is to develop your own support system.

You need other people in...

It is really not about you(DW# 789)

communication emotions relationships wellbeing Jul 02, 2020

The victim of gaslighting will need to keep reminding themselves that it is not about them. That the practice of gaslighting is about the gaslighter’s poor coping skills.

It helps to understand that it is about the gaslighter’s need for control and power That some people use gaslighting as a way to control the moment in the relationship, to stop the conflict, to ease some anxiety and to feel "in charge" again. They have not learnt to take responsibility for making a mistake and believe that it is unsafe for them to do so. They keep control by deflecting responsibility from themselves by blaming the other person and trying to prove them wrong.

Of course, no one wants to start out doing this in their relationships. But when they do it once or twice, they witness it, they feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and they realise that it is a potent tool.

IN OTHER WORDS, IT WORKS.

It works to silence conflict and any challenge to the...

Call it out(DW# 788)

communication emotions relationships wellbeing Jul 01, 2020

Of course, it is much easier to work on relationships if both people are involved and committed. But this is not always possible. When the other person is refusing to work with you and instead uses gaslighting as a coping mechanism for conflict and disagreement, they are unlikely to have the degree of self-awareness needed to take responsibility for their actions and to work on the relationship.

So, here’s the thing: although it seems unfair, the victim of gaslighting needs to take charge of their own responses and do what they can to help themselves. This is not easy, but it is much better than waiting endlessly for the other person to change.

Over the next few days, let us explore some ways to help ourselves if we find ourselves in such a situation.

The first and perhaps most important step is to recognize and name the gaslighting. Name what is going on between you and your spouse, friend, family member, colleague, or boss. If it is not safe for you to...

Recognizing gaslighting(DW# 787)

communication emotions relationships wellbeing Jun 29, 2020

Here are some more uncomfortable truths about gaslighting:

The gaslighter is typically a man and the gaslightee is typically a woman.

Why? In part because women are generally socialized to take the responsibility for making relationships work. If their partners are upset with them, they will often doubt themselves and continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their spouses. Men generally do not get this message when growing up.

Also, gaslighting is most likely to happen when you bring up issues of conflict or disagreement. Typical triggers that create a stressful environment that can lead to gaslighting include topics such as money, sex, secrecy around other relationships or finances, successful careers which cause the other to feel insecure, families of origin, or habits you came into the relationship with.

Given that the process of gaslighting often results in the person second guessing their own sense of reality, it is...

Asking for what you need(DW#744)

emotions family goal setting relationships Apr 23, 2020

Yesterday we talked about how to support your family members if they are feeling down or having a bad day.

What about you, though? Are you brave enough to ask for support from them? Many of us may be used to being there for others and find it challenging to ask for support in return.

If so, consider this: when we ask others to support us, we are actually giving them a gift:

The gift of letting them into our internal world
The gift of feeling emotionally connected to another

The gift of being there for someone else (and we know that feels good, right?)

The gift of modelling what intimacy looks like

The gift of being able to language emotions (emotional literacy)
The gift of recognizing that it is okay to have emotions and we do not need to act on them. That they will come and go
The gift of recognizing that we have the ability and the power to be there for a loved one and to make them feel better or feel supported.

So are you brave enough to share your...

Understanding does not equal agreement(DW#742 )

communication emotions family opinion relationships Apr 21, 2020

In any relationship, we will not always be "on the same page". We will see things differently and have different reactions to the same event. This is quite common and even healthy. To have a strong and healthy relationship, we do not need to have the same thoughts and opinions about everything.

One of the things that trips many of us when we are practicing validation is when the other person views things very differently from how we do.

For example, if our spouse gets upset at her co-worker because she is late to work every day, we may struggle to understand why this is such a big deal. It may not matter to us what time our co-workers get to work and we may even empathize with the co-worker because she is a single mother with small children.

It can be very challenging to listen to someone whose world view, thoughts and opinions are different from ours.

When this happens, we need to remind ourselves that listening and trying to understand where the other person does not...

Check your understanding(DW#741)

communication emotions family feelings validation Apr 20, 2020

Here is another thing about trying to understand someone’s inner world: You will get it wrong. Quite often in fact.

As we develop our validation skills, we may get the emotion, the experience or the meaning behind it wrong.

This makes sense, because after all, we are trying to get a glimpse of someone else’s experience from our world view. Our lens and their lens are not the same. Our experience is not the same as their experience. We are trying to visit a foreign land and we may struggle to understand the language and the customs.

So, when you are trying to validate and get it wrong, remind yourself that it this is common and that you are learning. Your continuing effort to do this is the most important thing for your relationship.

To clarify your understanding of your loved one’s internal world, try some open-ended questions such as:

Can I ask some questions to help me get this?

I need your help to understand this better.
Is this a good time to talk?

Tell me...

Examples of validation (DW#740)

emotions family feelings validation Apr 17, 2020

We have been talking about demonstrating our care and understanding of our loved ones by validating their emotions and experiences.

There are, of course, many many ways to validate. The essence of validation is to demonstrate that you recognize their emotions and that given their experience and world view, it makes sense that they would feel that way.

Here are some examples:

Here is what I am hearing you say (summarize what the other person has told you).

I can see that you are (sad, scared, angry, etc.)

I can see you are doing your best and are working hard.

Yeah, I can totally see how that would make you feel really (sad, scared, angry, etc.)

It makes sense that you would be so upset about that.

Tell me more (shows interest).

I can see you are overwhelmed. Can we talk about it?

It sounds like you are scared and this is hard for you.

I can see that this is important to you.

Given your values, this must really mean a lot to you.

Of course… that makes...

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