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We have been discussing mindsets and how they manifest themselves from a very early age.

Dweck and her colleagues did some research with four year olds. The researchers gave the four year olds a choice between easy and challenging puzzles. Those with growth mindsets chose the more challenging puzzles whilst the toddlers with a fixed mindset chose the easier and therefore safer puzzles. 

According to the researchers’ conclusion, choosing the easy puzzles was an affirmation of their existing ability and the belief that smart children don’t make mistakes. The children with the growth mindset on the other hand, did not want to do the same puzzle over and over again, preferring to learn something new, even if was more challenging and they may not get it right on the first try. 

The researchers therefore concluded that the fixed-mindset children wanted to make sure they succeeded so that they would appear intelligent, whereas the growth-mindset ones wanted to challenge...

As we have been discussing, it is important to set intentional boundaries in the technological age simply because it is so easy to wander outside the marital relationship to meet our emotional and physical needs. By enabling continuous and private connection, the smart phone, for example, has vastly expanded the opportunities for marital infidelity.

Lori Cluff Schade, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist and faculty member at Brigham Young University, writes that emotional affairs facilitated by the cell phone are among the most difficult to deal with because they are fragments of a relationship which never need to face the challenges of real face to face relationships. This keeps them fresh, alluring and difficult to break off. 

She outlines 7 ways that smartphones encourage and exacerbate marital infidelity that are really worth understanding: 

Once you have compared your lists of what love means to you, please don’t stop there.

Use your lists to connect with your loved one.

Share your understanding of love. (Without trying to change the other person, okay?) What do the words mean to you? What significance do they have?

Great follow up questions are: How do you feel loved? What is most important in a relationship? How can I support that?

Questions such as these help you to get to know each other, they deepen the bond between you and they prevent the differences in views from becoming stumbling blocks to connection.

Did you jot down a few words about what love means to you? (If not, please take 30 seconds to do that right now)

Now, have your spouse or significant other do the same. You can do this exercise with your children, or friends as well.

And then compare your lists.

Are there any words in common when you compare your lists? How many?

If you are like the vast majority of people, your lists will look more different than similar.

Are you surprised?

Most couples are surprised when they do this exercise. And sometimes they begin to think that this means that there is something wrong with their relationship…

But this is far from true. We develop our ideas about love and what it means throughout life with influences from various sources, family, friends, life experiences, media and our own way of thinking.

There is no problem in thinking differently about love. It can only become an issue in our relationships if we believe it is the ONLY way and the only RIGHT way to think about it.

Oh,...

Should you tell others about your goals? Or should you plod along on your own, not telling anyone in case you do not manage to achieve your goals?

There is a good deal of research that social support (encouragement, information or help) that we receive from others is an integral part of reaching our goals.

A 2008 study demonstrated how social support helps when we encounter hurdles. The lead author of the study, Simone Schnall, said "We showed that when a friend was actually present, or when participants merely thought of a supportive significant other, a steep hill looked less steep. This suggests that people rely on close others when considering how difficult tackling a given environment might be."

Wow. It turns out that our loved ones can support us in achieving our goals even when they are not physically present!

We can also access social support for our goals in other ways of course. We could join an in-person support group (such as weight-watchers or toastmasters) or a virtual...

Goals worth achieving are not within our comfort zone. If they were, we would already have achieved them.

However, they cannot be so far outside our comfort zone that they are in the zone of delusion.

If you have never walked a single kilometer, setting a goal to do the Boston Marathon this year might be delusional. Making a daily habit to walk 5 kilometers might be in the discomfort zone but it is doable.

If you have not written a single article, writing a 500-page memoir this year might be in delusional. Starting a blog and committing to publishing an article a week will be a stretch but it is possible with the right planning, scheduling and accountability. It may, of course, lead to a 500-page memoir in the future . . .

If your bank account is at zero (or negative) right now, putting a down payment on a condo this year may be delusional. However, committing to saving 10% of your monthly income will feel uncomfortable but it is achievable if owning your own home has meaning and...

It is true that you can make changes and begin a journey of growth at any time of the year.

AND it is also true that there are times during the year when it is relatively easier to do so.

Dr. John Norcross (a leading researcher in behavior change) studies new year resolutions. One of his studies found that people who chose the beginning of a new year to make a positive change in their lives were much more likely to successfully make these changes than those who tried to make these changes at other times of the year.

Various experts have suggested that the reasons for improved odds of success at the new year may be:

a) the culture surrounding the tradition of making resolutions which encourages people to stop and reflect
b) the tendency to share these resolutions of change with others which helps keeps people accountable
c) the idea that people who have been thinking about changing for a while pick the new year as a start date because they are ready to move from contemplation to...

Aristotle taught us that human beings are teleological creatures. Telos is the Greek work for target. In other words, human beings need something to aim towards.

Modern Philosopher Tom Morris puts it this way: "we are hard-wired to live purposively, to have direction. Without a target to shoot at, our lives are literally aimless. Without something productive to do, without positive goals and a purpose, a human being languishes. And then one of two things happens. Aimlessness begins to shut a person down in spiritual lethargy and emptiness, or the individual lashes out and turns to destructive goals just to make something happen". The Art of Achievement

As human beings we are also hard-wired to have dreams and aspirations for a better future. Without a plan or goal however, these dreams and aspirations have little chance of being realised. Worse, they can weigh on our psyche as regrets of an unfulfilled life and of unrealised potential.

So ahead, dream a little. What do you wish...

What have been your major takeaways? How are you communicating differently these days?

Here are some reflections, personal challenges and growth/practice areas for myself

1) The key to connection is to be present with mind, body and heart. This is easier said than done. AND I can practice being present in this moment. And the next. And so on.

2) Every moment in communication gives me a fresh opportunity to choose kindness by being mindful of my words.

3) Talking is so much more fun. And automatic. But it is listening and understanding that is the gateway to connection.

4) Emotional reactivity will get me into trouble. Each and every time. Specially during conflict.

5) When I do get reactive (and I will), the best course of action is to offer a repair attempt to the person I am communicating with. As soon as I become aware of my reactivity.

6) It is sooooo tempting to avoid taking responsibility. It is even more tempting to insist on being right and to blame the other for the...

When people are asked to speak the truth under oath, it goes like this:

Do you swear to tell the truth (that is no lies of commission, saying exactly what happened)?

The whole truth (that is no lies of omission, leaving no major fact unspoken)?

And then there is a third statement "And nothing but the truth?", which may be less easy to understand.

Psychologists explain that this sentence is used to counteract what is called a character lie or a lie of influence.

In other words, sometimes people say something completely unrelated to the truth to cover up a lie. These lies are meant to make you believe the person who is lying or to make the person seem like such a great person that they are unlikely to be suspected of lying.

For example, suppose a person at your workplace is suspected of taking money from the cash registers. And it is your (most unpleasant) job to find out who it is. You interview one of the clerks and ask him if he took the money. He does not answer your question and...