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Fortune telling is when we jump to conclusions and make predictions about the future – predictions which are most likely to be negative.

If we lose our job, for example, we may predict that we will be broke and poor for the rest of our days. If we have a bad experience in a relationship, we may assume that we will never find love or settle down.

As you can imagine, fortune telling can make us quite miserable about things that may never happen! Instead of being realistic that various different outcomes are equally possible, fortune telling convinces us that the outcome is bound to disastrous, even though the opposite may be just as possible.

So the next time you notice yourself fortune telling about yourself or others (hint: as parents some of us are rather skilled at telling our children’s negative fortunes if they...

If that assumption is neutral or positive there is no harm done. For example, if I go grocery shopping, I can safely assume that my spouse will like a certain brand of ice cream. This is mind reading from past experience and does no harm (unless he has decided to go on a diet, of course).

The vast majority of time, however, our assumptions are far from positive or neutral. They are negative interpretations that we have come to from a given set of facts without checking them out.

If someone does not greet us in a public place, we may assume any of the following:

I should be a better mother
My children should be more grateful

Here is the problem with shoulds and musts:

Shoulds that are directed against ourselves lead to guilt and frustration. They almost never lead to motivating ourselves to do better.

Shoulds and musts that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration. When people do not follow the unwritten rules for life that we have, we start giving them mental tickets and minus points. And that generally does NOT lead to any change or improvement in them or in our relationship with them.

Are you ready to quit shoulding and musting? Start by recognizing how many times you say these words out aloud or in your head. 

For example:

I feel that you never listen to me, therefore it must be true.

I feel that my boss is out to get me, therefore it must be true.

I feel that my children are throwing tantrums just to embarrass me therefore they must be really sneaky children.

In order to counteract this type of thinking, we need to recognize that when we are having a bad day or are emotionally triggered, it is most likely preventing us from thinking clearly.

By the way: It is NOT a good idea to make decisions when we are thinking and feeling...

Here is an example:

You receive a positive review at work. You minimize it as an anomaly. You play down your positives as exceptions. You talk-down all your positive attributes and accomplishments in order to lower people’s expectations. No matter how much people tell you that you are worthy, you focus on your mistakes rather than on your accomplishments. Although it may be mistaken for humility, this distortion is not about being humble but about not seeing the full picture of one’s strengths and...

1)    To consider other possible outcomes

They do not have to be super positive either. They can be positive, neutral or even mildly negative – just not catastrophic. There is a vast difference between something being unpleasant, unwanted and catastrophic. Failing an exam, while unwanted and even distressing, does not doom anyone to eternal failure. Can you see that?

2)    To increase our perception of our ability to cope.

Life seldom throws things at us beyond our capacity to cope. If we remind ourselves that our ability to cope with life’s challenges has been pretty stellar so far, we can come up with a plan B and a plan C if the worst does come to materialize. When our brain becomes engaged in thinking about possible solutions and options, the attention moves away from the catastrophe itself and towards a more...

Here’s why:

It is rather amusing to watch someone to predict a negative outcome for something and then jump to the conclusion that if that negative outcome did, in fact occur, it would be total catastrophe. When we are seeing someone else do this, we can see the faulty logic and the giant leaps of assumptions that the person is making.

Of course, it is not so humorous when we are ourselves engaging in catastrophizing!

Catastrophizing happens in three steps:

1)   We worry about a situation
2)   We predict that a negative outcome is certain
3)   We then jump to the conclusion that if the negative outcome did in fact happen, it would be a catastrophe.

1)   We worry because our child is not studying that much.

We jump to the conclusion that failing an exam would be a catastrophe. That if they fail an exam, they...

Sometimes, we adopt a negative label for ourselves that others have used, and then use it to justify our negative behaviour because of the label.

"That is right, I have always been an angry person. That is why I cannot control my temper".

"You’re right. I am stubborn. And I won’t budge."

"I am a loser. So why should I try?"

When we label ourselves or others in this way, we mistake an action or behaviour for a character trait. And we know that behaviours and actions are much easier to change than the...

All of us (that’s a generalization by the way!) have made a generalization or a broad statement to a group of people or things. Basically, our minds are so hungry for the impression of knowledge and certainty about our circumstances that they automatically form broad, sweeping conclusions based on very little information or experience. This is particularly true when we’re under the influence of strong negative emotions.

The problem with generalizations is that they are seldom true and can be the basis of prejudice and racism if they embody negative assumptions about entire groups of people.

As Albert Einstein said: All generalizations are false, including this one.

When we say things like "She always", "You never", "Some people are so . ." we are making...

Today let’s look at Black-and-White Thinking which is sometimes also called Polarized Thinking.

He is a terrible person

My sister is so beautiful and I’m so ugly.

This option is great and the other one is awful.

When we think in this way, we are unable or unwilling to see shades of grey or a middle ground. Things are either good or bad, right or wrong. In other words, we only see the extremes of the situation.Nothing is okay or good enough or somewhere in the middle – it is either fantastic or awful, we are either perfect or we are a total failure.