Blog
The journey and the destination(DW #809)
Oct 01, 2020
Today let us further emphasise the point that self-growth is a journey rather than a destination. It is a journey that ends at the same time as our time on this planet.
Some of us may be thinking: "But, that’s such a very long time. Surely, I will get to a stage where I have figured it out and will not have to keep trying so hard."
As our children would say: LOLZ (translation: its funny that you think that because no that will not happen)
We will (inshallah) have many enlightened moments, times when we are proud of the way we behaved in a particular situation and are pleased with how far we have come.
And we will also have times when we think that we have not progressed at all.
In other words, there will never be a time when we don’t have to do the work, to keep practicing our virtues and living our values. And keep coming back to them when we veer off track.
If we are serious about living our best selves and actualizing our...
Difference between Adl and Ihsan(DW#803)
Sep 23, 2020
To summarize our discussions over the last couple of days, while Adl(justice) is the foundation of social interaction, Ihsan means to go above and beyond the basic requirements of justice and to act with beauty, kindness, virtue and grace towards other beings.
In a social context, we know that we deal with imperfect human beings. People that we interact with have flaws and they make mistakes . . . and if we dealt with everyone only on the basis of justice, things would become quite difficult for everyone. We would be forever demanding rights and making sure that things are exactly fair.
So Allah orders us to deal with grace, to overlook and forgive, and to resist retaliating with an eye for an eye.
In a tradition, Ali (as) says: "Justice is achieved once you provide people with their due rights, and kindness is applied when you go beyond this and do them a favour."
Let us use examples of two professions which are currently going above and beyond their...
A gift to ourselves(DW# 797)
Jul 14, 2020
Dr. Lerner explains that a good apology can restore our own self respect and also how much others respect us.
Our self-respect and level of maturity rest squarely on our ability to see ourselves objectively, to take a clear-eyed look at the ways that our behavior affects others, and to acknowledge when we’ve acted at another person’s expense. The good apology also earns us respect in the eyes of others, even though we may fear the opposite.
I would add that although taking responsibility earns us respect in the eyes of others, the greater benefit is that we restore our own self respect and self esteem.
When our conscience is pricking because we have harmed someone, it is so easy to try and make ourselves feel better by trying to avert the blame from ourselves and onto the other person. This does NOT work. We may distract ourselves in the short term but it comes at enormous spiritual and emotional cost.
The path to apologizing may...
Getting help(DW# 794)
Jul 09, 2020
Please know this: no matter what, the journey of healing from abuse can be long and challenging. AND there are some things that you can do to make it easier on yourself.
Please consider getting professional help if at all possible. On your own if you have to. Do not hold back because the person who "needs help" refuses to get it. There is a saying amongst the therapeutic community that people often seek out support in order to deal with people who refuse to! This saying is very relevant to a situation where you have been the victim of emotional abuse.
Victims of abuse often lose confidence in their own thoughts and feelings and find themselves nervously double-checking themselves on a regular basis. It can feel isolating and shameful. You may find it hard to share what you have been through even with close friends because you may begin to think that you should have known better. Or you may want to stay in the relationship while everyone you share your story with...
Can relationships heal after gaslighting has... (DW# 786)
Jun 28, 2020
We have been discussing gaslighting and its significant impact on a relationship.
The question we will explore today is this: is it possible for a relationship where there has been gaslighting to heal and become healthy?
Of course, it is not a good idea to write anyone off since people can surprise us and change in healthy ways when we do not expect them to.
However, we also need to be realistic about what is probable.
In relationships where gaslighting is a pattern, or used as a tool of emotional and characterological abuse, change is only possible if the perpetrator is open to intensive and long-term individual therapy. This requires some level of self awareness or awakening on the part of the perpetrator to realize their behavior has damaged another human being’s psychological wellbeing. Since abusers and perpetrators of gaslighting are rarely open to such treatment or to examining their own behavior and its impact, it is often up to the victim of gaslighting to seek...
Motivation matters (DW# 785)
Jun 26, 2020
We have been talking about gaslighting in relationships: that is saying or doing things which cause the person on the receiving end to start questioning their own perceptions, reality and even sanity.
There are various situations where another person may question our view of events or our perceptions and we need to remind ourselves to be careful about being quick to label something as gaslighting or writing the person off as a narcissist.
The first situation is more a matter of personality than of malign intentions. Some people are dismissive of things and attitudes of others as a matter of habit. So what we may think of as gaslighting may simply be a person’s argumentative nature, their air of superiority, or their judgmental tendency. Many high functioning and powerful individuals sometimes have a hard time practicing humility or knowing how to have egalitarian relationships. They may not intend harm on purpose and are often surprised when their partners get angry and hurt...
Why is gaslighting so harmful in relationships? (DW# 784)
Jun 25, 2020
Yesterday, we distinguished between two types of "gaslighting", one where there is intent to control, manipulate, and subjugate the other person compared to where the person doing the gaslighting is simply trying to save themselves from facing accountability.
Experts agree that even when gaslighting is done on a one-time basis and is not part of characterological abuse, it is still very harmful to relationships as it destroys trust between people.
Since trust is the very foundation of an intimate relationship, when this is destroyed, it makes it very challenging to repair. When someone discovers that they were gaslit, they are shocked and traumatized that someone they trusted has the ability to harm them in this way. The breaking of trust leads to not feeling safe in the relationship and often results in shrinking away and protecting oneself from being intimate or vulnerable in the relationship.
Can a relationship continue with this emotional distance and self-protection? Yes of...
What is “Gaslighting" (DW# 783)
Jun 24, 2020
Yesterday we started talking about a situation where you experience a major break of trust, hurt or betrayal from a trusted loved one or colleague and instead of apologizing, they actually deny any wrong doing on their part. And then they turn the blame on you by suggesting that the problem is in your head and not in their behaviour.
The psychological term for this is "Gaslighting".
The word Gaslighting comes from Gaslight, the 1944 Oscar winning film starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the story, a husband (Boyer) tries to convince his new wife (Bergman) that she’s imagining things, in particular the occasional dimming of their home’s gas lights. (He was dimming the gaslights as part of his plan to rob her of some very valuable jewelry.) Over time, the wife, who trusts that her husband loves her and would never hurt her, believes his lies and starts to question her own perception of reality. What is so disturbing about this story is that there...
But I never did that (DW# 782)
Jun 23, 2020
[Before we go on to today’s message, I need to warn you that the content for the next few days may be challenging for some of us to read. And it needs to be addressed to provide support for many who are going through such challenges and of course to remind ourselves not to be such challenges for others!
Please feel free to skip this week if you find it triggering or not relevant!]
Yesterday we talked about how the process of healing and forgiveness for major betrayals takes time and effort.
The process begins with an honest acknowledgement from the person who has betrayed trust.
But what if that first step is not taken? What if the person who has betrayed your trust refuses to even admit that they did that which has hurt you? What if they deny the facts in face of the evidence? What if they accuse you of imagining things or being extra suspicious?
When I am working with people who are on the receiving end of such behaviour, there is...
When “I’m sorry” is simply not enough (DW# 781)
Jun 22, 2020
This week, we will are continuing our series on making and accepting apologies.
There are certain situations where even if you offer a sincere apology, it will not make things right.
There are certain situations where even if you offer a sincere apology, it will not make things right.
If the offending behaviour has been long standing, deeply hurtful or damaging, or involves a betrayal of trust, the process of forgiveness will take some time.
Any instance of lying, cheating, breaking a confidence, failing to defend or not prioritizing the relationship would count as a betrayal which weakens the fabric of intimacy and the relationship.
There are of course, actions which are much more significant in terms of causing lasting hurt. These are major betrayals.
Here are some specific examples of "common" major betrayals that come to mind (there may be others of course):
- Taking money out of someone’s bank account without their knowledge.
- Hiding your financial situation such as debt or savings, your immigration status, your health status, your...