Why is it so hard to apologize?(DW# 762)
May 26, 2020
Yesterday, we talked about why it is important to learn how to apologize effectively.
However, it can be very challenging to do this.
This is how author Sharon Begley explains it:
Apologies are the Brussels sprouts of relationships. Research says they’re good for us, and, like a dinner of the green stuff after a lunch of burger and fries, they can erase or at least mitigate the ill effects of a transgression. But there’s something about both apologies and tiny bitter brassicas that makes us often choose something else on the menu, thank you very much.
In the next few days, let us explore some of the reasons why it is so hard to apologize.
Firstly, there is often a "magnitude gap" between how each side perceives an offense. When we hurt someone, it is very tempting to underplay our offence and chalk it down to their "sensitivity" rather than to take responsibility for our actions.
For the one on the receiving end of the transgression, the need to receive an apology for hurt caused is deeply felt. We are hardwired to seek justice and fairness, especially in close relationships. When there is a transgression, the sense of fairness and justice can be recovered with a sincere and heartfelt apology.
In other words, compared to victims, transgressors (those causing the hurt) are much more likely to justify their transgression, to describe it as inadvertent, or to minimize the hurt.
In order to nurture our relationships, we need to see the offence from the hurt person’s point of view when we cause hurt.
Even if we tell ourselves that we did not mean to cause the offence (which can be challenging depending upon the magnitude of the offence), we can consider the impact of our actions on the other person rather than on our intentions.
As you read the posts in the next few days, pay attention to what it brings up for you. See if you can identify the main reason or reasons why you may find it hard to apologize.
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