Soothe yourself and the other
Do you know what calms you down? Have you shared this with your spouse?
Do you know what you can do to help your spouse calm down when they are upset?
HINT: It is almost NEVER telling them to calm down, take it easy, chill out, saying, "why are you getting bent out of shape", etc. etc.Phrases such as these are almost guaranteed to make another person more upset.
You can really only know these things by asking the question: How can I help you calm down when you are upset?
It is a great idea to get to know what soothes each of you when you are NOT in the middle of a conflict discussion so that you can practice calming each other when you need to, in the middle of an argument.
When you ask and practice soothing each other, it lays the foundation for dealing with conflict as friends, rather than as adversaries.
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