Pick a fight (How to ruin a perfectly good relationship)
What's the difference between discussing an area of conflict (very healthy and necessary) and picking a fight (not so healthy)?
It is how you start the discussion.
If you want to ensure that a discussion ends badly, be sure to start harshly.
As we you may know, our favorite researcher Dr. Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy whether or not a couple will divorce within watching the first three minutes of a conflict discussion. His research in the famed "Love Lab" shows that the way an issue is brought up in the first place will have a major impact on how it ends.
Women are far more likely than the husband to bring up touchy issues and to push to resolve them. This is true both in happy and unhappy marriages.
(This is also why husbands who ask "Honey do you want to talk about it" get a zillion bonus points from their wives!)
There is however, a dramatic difference in how the wife brings issues up in unhappy marriages compared to relationships that are happy.
In relationships that are struggling, startups to conflict discussions are harsh, and there is a much greater likelihood that men will react defensively and be uncooperative.
If women are mindful of starting a conflict discussion on a softer note, there is a greater likelihood that they will be received and heard and that their influence will be accepted by their husbands.
So how do can women soften our startup to conflict discussions?
Here are some ways:
Firstly, pick a good time. Some of us need to "have it out" about conflicts as soon as they happen. This almost never works in healthy relationships. Intelligent couples realize that conflicts in relationships need to be kept in their place and not take over the entire relationship.
Share your feelings about the issue rather than blame your spouse (remember the discussion we had on being gentle during conflict?)
Describe the issue rather than accuse your spouse.
Be specific – stick to one issue at a time. (This can be SO hard for some of us!!)
Begin and end with appreciations. If you discuss your conflicts in a climate of appreciation, your complaints are much more likely to be heard.
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