Lead with the negative (how to start and continue a fight) (DW#297)
The first issue with the exchange is leading with the negative. The husband made his entrance and said "What a mess"!
Dr. John Gottman, the renowned relationship expert, believes that if the start-up of a conversation is harsh, the conversation will go downhill from there and will generally not end well. If the first statement is negative, the other person will feel attacked and go into defence mode.
What could the husband have done instead?
He could have started by connecting first.
Here is what it would look like:
He: [Walks through the front door. Sees the mess, feels like grumbling, but thinks better of it. Takes a big breath. Kisses wife on the cheek, picks up his daughter and jiggles her in his arms while she giggles and makes him laugh. Smiles at wife.] How’d it go? [They chat for a few minutes. He says something nice about what she did that day. There’s a pause, and he takes the plunge.] I don’t want to hassle you, but could we talk about the clutter?
Leading with connection sends the reassuring, implicit message that we are in this together, you matter to me.
When we start by joining and connecting with our partner by showing warmth concern and interest, rather than detaching or distancing ourselves or criticizing, we stand a greater chance of our concerns being heard without defensiveness or counter-criticism.
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