Fear of vulnerability to emotion(DW# 767)

relationships self development Jun 02, 2020

Apologizing to someone can make us feel emotionally vulnerable, raw and exposed. By apologizing, we open ourselves to bearing witness to someone else’s pain and confronting the possibility that we may be the cause of that distress.

Here is how Guy Winch Ph.D. explains the psychology of non-apologizers in Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts:

By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it.

He goes on to explain that it is true that allowing yourself to witness someone’s pain and to apologize makes us emotionally vulnerable. However, what may not be accurate is the impact of this emotional vulnerability. It turns out that the fear of emotional intimacy is more terrifying than actually experiencing that intimacy. Letting our guard down and exposing our feelings turns out not to damage us or to cause trauma as we fear it will.

In fact, as he puts it: Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction.

In other words, braving up and apologizing turns out to be a gift to ourselves in addition to being a gift to the other person.

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Fear of vulnerability to emotion(DW# 767)

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