Emotional reactivity in communication
Do you ever notice yourself getting "triggered" in conversation? Being triggered is when the person you are communicating with says or does something that causes an intense emotional reaction in you. The trigger usually causes you to say or do something that is generally out of proportion to what the other said or did. In other words, you 'overreact'.
The problem with emotional reactivity is this: when our words or actions are triggered by something or someone outside our self, they are usually not in alignment with our values. Instead, these words come as a reaction to someone else's words or behavior. It is as if we have given the remote control of our words and actions in someone else's hands.
If you are still wondering what we are talking about, let us take a few examples of things that we say when we are triggered:
You make me angry
Don't make me hit you
You are making me scream
Sentences such as these imply that someone else - "you" - controls my behavior. They put the responsibility for our words and actions on someone other than ourselves.
But we know that no one can really cause us to behave or speak in a certain way. If my child raises his voice or uses aggressive words towards me, it may give rise to the feeling of anger inside me, but the choice of what action to take or words to speak in response to his words, is always mine.
And mine alone.
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