The antidote to marriage failure (DW#630)
We have often talked about how important it is to be intentional in long term romantic relationships.
One of the easiest things to fall prey to in marriage is to begin to take each other for granted: to stop noticing all the positive things your spouse does and only pay attention when things are not quite how you like them to be. AND this is also how relationships begin to self-destruct.
On the other hand, an important way to keep your primary relationships fulfilling is to regularly appreciate your spouse and express that appreciation.
Research by Sara Algoe and her colleagues has found that grateful couples are more satisfied in their relationships and feel closer to each other. Other research has found that the more grateful couples are, they more likely they are to be in the same relationship over long term.
Experts say that the benefits of gratitude are maximized when you appreciate not just what your partner does, but also who they are as a person.
So for example, it is not just being thankful that your partner took out the trash—you are also thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know you hate taking out the trash. Gratitude in long term relationships means remembering your partner’s best traits and remembering why you got into a relationship with them in the first place – even when you are in conflict!
Dr. John Gottman’s research has also confirmed that the happiest of couples are those who maintain a positive view of their history and look at their partner’s traits and their lives together with rose coloured glasses.
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