Never concede a point (how to start and continue a fight) (DW#304)
The difference between happy and miserable couples is not that the former don’t argue or fight. What keeps some couples happy is that they learn to make and accept repairs in the middle of an argument.
Couples who are high conflict and distressed on the other hand, never concede a point to their partner. One or both of them have the need to be right – often at the cost of the relationship.
If the couple under discussion learnt to concede a point to the other, here is what their conversation might sound like:
She: [Still calming down from the "you’re not firm enough" side-issue. Considers arguing with whether she needs to be "10% firmer," but thinks better of it.]
You’re right, I did say I’d keep things cleaner. I didn’t realize you only care about the living room. That’s doable. But I have to tell you, I want more respect about how I do discipline her, and how hard it is to be on top of her mess making all day.
Notice that this couple is still not on the same page when it comes to need for order and about discipline their daughter. To always be "on the same page" about issues is actually unrealistic given that all of us have our own opinions and ideas. It is not even necessary.
Their relationship can work if they deal with issues with a view to discover what will work rather than engage in a power struggle over every conflict.
They can learn to respect and appreciate each other’s views even when they don’t agree.
For bonus points, they could even have a sense of lightness and humour about their differences.
Really.
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