Exaggerate the negative (how to start and continue a fight) (DW#298)
The second issue with the conversation between the couple is that of "Over-statement" (There you go, always criticizing when you first get home.)
When we say things like "always" or "never", the other person’s brain is gets too busy finding exceptions to "always" or "never" to hear our concerns, even if they are legitimate.
Moreover, nothing (almost nothing!!) ever happens ALL THE TIME or NONE OF THE TIME. We can safely say that this husband has come home on many occasions and not criticized when he first got home. And when he hears this statement from his wife, his brain is scrambling to remember all those occasions.
What could the wife have done instead?
She could speak with accuracy and restraint in response to his complaint about the mess.
This is what it would sound like:
She: [Warily, but with a touch of humor] You’re doing pretty well, this is the first time you’ve complained about that this week.
If we take our time to pause before speaking and avoid exaggerations and inflammatory language, we stand a greater chance of being heard.
Also note her attempt to acknowledge him for the times that he has resisted complaining!
A word of advice for the husband in this situation:
It can sometimes be helpful keep a perspective on the issue by scaling for yourself how intensely you feel or how important something is to you.
For example, if you encounter mess made by family members at the end of the day and it causes you annoyance at 3 or 4 out of 10 on an annoyance scale, use language which keeps this in perspective rather than blowing it out of proportion.
Oh and one more thing: if every annoyance is at a 10, this is a personal issue which you need to deal with on your own!
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