Counterattack instead of responding to a complaint (how to start and continue a fight) (DW#300)

When the husband complained about the mess, the wife instead of responding to the complained, counter-attacked by saying: I don’t see you lifting a finger to help".

She also said: Your mother spoiled you rotten, but I don’t have to take your [nonsense]

A statement such as this does two things: firstly, it escalates the conflict.

Secondly, it diverts the conversation and introduces a new area for potential conflict.

As we can imagine (and may have experienced), when we try to "kitchen-sink" an argument by complaining and cross-complaining about other issues, we cannot get a resolution on any of the issues.

Also, by introducing many areas of conflict into a single argument, we start feeling discouraged about the state of the relationship in general. The problems start appearing larger than our resources to handle it.

Given such an exchange, how could the couple have handled it differently?

1. He could have taken responsibility

He: [Knows the subject is charged, so he takes the time to say clearly how he feels] I know she is a little mess machine and you’re doing the best you can. It’s just that, I feel stressed at work and the commute’s getting worse, so when I walk through the door and the first thing I see is clutter, it really bothers me. Plus we’ve already talked about you picking up before I get home. When it’s still a mess, I feel like you’re not listening to me.

When we talk about our own experience, using mainly "I-statements," our partner may un­derstand us better and is less likely to feel attacked.

No one can dispute our experience (though the other person may not like it!), and it does not need to be justified or defended.

2. She could come back to the issue at hand

She: [Liked the first part of what he said, but then he slipped in that last shot about her needing to be firmer with their daughter. Feels her heart start to pound. Speaks with intensity but maintains self-control.]

Look, I really don’t like hearing about how I ought to be firmer with her. You try spending day after day with a two-year-old. You just can’t be firm every second. You don’t have this role with our daughter - no criticism, just fact - so you have little idea about what it’s truly like. Please don’t be so free with your advice. I am actually quite firm with her, and you know people say she’s actually well-behaved.

I think I am doing a pretty good job with her.

3. He could be specific about what bother him about the mess.

He: [Resists the temptation to re-fight old quarrels about how firm to be with their daughter, and he refocuses himself.]

OK, OK. I know you’re pretty firm, though I wish you were 10% firmer. But that’s not the issue. Here’s my basic point. I don’t really care about the rest of the house. I’d just like to be able to walk through the front door into a living room that is peaceful and orderly. And I thought we’d agreed you’d straighten up before I got home.

When we are specific about what we don’t want, and what we do want, and when we do it without bringing up other issues or blaming the other, we stand the best chance of success.