Blame the other for how you feel (how to start and continue a fight) (DW#299)
It is sooo tempting to blame the other person for how frustrated or upset we are feeling. After all, we are feeling awful and it must be someone’s fault, right?
The husband in the example blamed this wife for driving him crazy:
You’re so messy it drives me crazy.
This is a very common pattern in couple interactions. We link our feelings directly to someone else’s actions. And then we let them know. In not-so-kind language. Usually by attacking.
Here’s the thing: when we attack someone, they are biologically hardwired to defend themselves or to exit the conversation. (Ever heard of the fight or flee response?)
Without a significant level of self-awareness and self-development training, it is extremely challenging to bear the brunt of an attack without defending or counter-attacking.
Blaming also assumes that the listener is the cause of the speaker’s actions or experience, and that is simply not accurate.
The issues that trigger us generally belong to ourselves and are not the fault of the other person. (Caution: we are not discussing the big three 'evils' of marriage which do belong to the other person and not to the victim: Abuse, Affairs and Addictions)
For the general annoyances of married life, if we get upset about a messy living room, we need to own that having a de-cluttered space is a personal need that we have. (This does not mean that we cannot request the other to meet our needs – in fact, this is the very core of an intimate relationship)
Sharing a need however, and making a request for meeting it, is much less threatening to the other. They are able to hear a concern and do something about it.
When we blame or attack, they are focused on defending themselves rather than listening to or responding to our concerns.
Makes sense?
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