5 problems with telling “little white lies" (DW#294)

We’ve been talking about speaking the truth and the kinds of lies that are far from the truth and the whole truth.

But what about "white lies", the harmless or trivial lies that we sometimes tell, especially to avoid hurting someone's feelings?

Well, according to Sam Harris, neuroscientist and author of the book, Lying, honesty is always the best policy.

"The people who undo their lives, and destroy relationships and careers, always accomplish this through lying," he says. "The decision to not lie is the best prophylactic i’ve ever come across for not bringing needless misery into your life."

Harris firmly believes we should stay away from all lies, including the "white" ones. "They tend to be the only lies that good people tell, while imagining that they are being good in the process," he says.

Here are some reasons that those white lies can damage relationships:

1. We undermine people’s trust.

When people overhear us lying to someone else, it tells them that since we are willing to lie to others, that maybe we would also lie to them if it suits us.

"When you demonstrate that you are willing to deceive, you diminish that sense of security they have in you," says Harris.

2. We don’t allow a chance for improvement.

We often lie to people to avoid hurting their feelings. If someone asks our opinion about something they care about, many of us avoid giving our true opinion because it is awkward for us to tell people if we don’t like or approve of something.

But here’s the thing: often people really do want to know our actual opinion about something and if we are not willing to share it, it deprives them of genuine feedback. We are in essence, withholding the gift of correction.

"Follow the golden rule," says Harris. "If you were asking the question, would you be grateful to know the truth, however awkward it was to articulate?"

So it seems that "telling it like it is" may be challenging in the short term, but it earns us the respect and trust of others in the long term.

3. We compromise our ethics.

Telling white lies is like treating relationships like one-off transactions, according to Harris.

"It helps to go through life assuming you’ll have an ongoing relationship with every stranger you meet," he says. "Being honest is part of that."

Remember the first foundation of mindful connection? To have a good intention and care in your heart for others.

In this situation, our basis for telling the truth should be genuine concern for others and care for their success and wellbeing.

4. We’re put on our guard.

Lies have a way of catching up with those who tell them. When we lie, we always have to be on guard, making sure the thing we’ve said doesn’t collide with reality or the rules of logic, says Harris.

"Telling the truth frees you from the effort it takes to present a false image of yourself," he says.

5. We stunt our emotional growth.

"When you commit to telling the truth, you immediately discover what sort of person you are," says Harris. "If you don’t like what you see, committing to tell the truth can lead to becoming a better, deeper person."

So the question to ask ourselves is this: is the short term gain worth the long term costs of lying?

Hopefully the answer is a resounding NO!